Notice of a mysterious $19.99 Amazon charge pops up via email…to be explained early this morning when Cory announces, as she moves from the bathroom back toward her room, “We’re watching Frozen in our room!” Apparently, Fisher has learned how not only to navigate, but also to purchase content for, his Kindle. Moments later, they come back and climb into the big bed to demonstrate their prowess…
F: Cory, parts of “Frozen” make me sad.
C: Me, too.
F: Like when Anna freezes. That just makes me so sad.
C: Does it make you want to cry?
F: Uh huh.
C: Fisher, when it comes to the part when Prince Hans is being mean to Anna, can you just skip that part? I don’t like that part.
F: Uh huh. (Both huddled over the Kindle.) This is fun!
C: But, I don’t like that part. Prince Hans is just mean. And that’s not nice.
F (not fully tracking): Uh huh. Mean is not nice.
Multiple Frozen theater visits. Frozen action figures. Frozen readers. Frozen-themed birthday parties. “Let It Go” on repeat. Frozen T-shirts. Frozen on YouTube. Frozen on iTunes. Now, Frozen on Amazon. Biggest animated money machine ever? This family has definitely done its part.
(Adding “investigate child locks on Kindle” to task list…)
Five percent of the time it’s like raising myself. Five percent of the time it’s like raising my sister. Five percent of the time it’s like raising my mother. The rest of the time it’s like raising Cory.
P (after breakfast): Cory, take your bowl to the sink.
C: Daddy’ll do it.
P: No, Daddy won’t.
C: But, it’s Daddy’s restaurant.
P: No. Cory, take your bowl to the sink.
F (before heading to school): Cory, Cory, here is your gum.
C: Can you just hold that, Fisher?
C (after putting on her Chapstick): There. Okay, Fisher, you can give me my gum now.
F: Here you go.
C (upon arriving at school, holding out her backpack): Daddy, here can you please hold this?
D: Um, no. You need to take your lunch out and put it in the bin. And hang your backpack up.
C: Daddy, can you please do it?
C: But, I just want to go say hi to Dani.
D: You can say hi to Dani after you take care of your lunchbox and backpack. Scoot.
Apparently, she thinks it’s like raising Princess Cory one hundred percent of the time…
Daddy turns his back on the twins. For fifteen minutes, they were running around, tickling each other and having too much fun avoiding Papa and Daddy at the mention of changing into ski clothes. At first, it was cute. Then, it stopped being cute. Taking inspiration from Fisher’s shirt, when Daddy turns to face them again, his manner is distinctly more robotic.
D (robotic voice): I am not your father.
C (hesitant): Yes, you are.
D: No, I am not. Your father has engaged the Change Machine. You will be changed you into your ski clothes.
F (bouncing and smiling): What, Daddy?
D (continued robot voice): I have been engaged by your father to change you. (Pause.) Only one thing is certain. (Pause.) After our time together this morning, you…will…be…changed.
C (smiling and moving to put the coffee table between her and Daddy): No, I won’t. I wanna…
D (grabbing Fisher’s arm suddenly): Change is certain.
D (manhandling him onto his back): Resistance is futile. Change is certain.
F: Cory, help! Cory!
Daddy grabs Fisher’s ski pants. Cory moves around the table and tries to help.
C: Fisher, grab my hand! Twin powers!
D (robotically turning head as they shoot twin powers from their fingers): Your magical powers are useless against a Change Machine. The probabilities have been calculated. Change is certain.
F (laughing): No! Cory, help!
Fisher begins kicking his legs to avoid the ski pants.
D: Boy child. Your resistance is futile. If you do not submit to change, you will experience bone-crushing force.
F (his feet stopping for a minute, Cory’s hand loosens on Daddy’s arm): What is bow-crushing force?
D: Bone-crushing force is force sufficient to crush bones. Resistance is futile. You will be changed.
F (kicking his legs): No!
D (grabbing his shin, moving thumb to trigger point on side of calf, applying slight pressure): Bone-crushing force will ensure submission. You…will…
F (laughing with Cory through slight pain): Ooooow!
Force at a fraction of bone-crushing gets the ski pants over his legs. Laughing still, Fisher begins to struggle to avoid the top of the bib.
C (pulling on Daddy’s arm): You can’t do that to my brother!
D (moving a thumb quickly to Cory’s collar bone): Girl child. If you do not submit to this child’s change, you will experience bone-crushing force.
C (laughing and pulling shoulder to head): Daddy!
D: I am not your father. (Applying slightest pressure.) Bone-crushing force will be applied. The outcome is certain. He will be changed. After he has been changed, you will be changed. Change is certain.
Cory tries to shrink away from Daddy’s hand, giggling.
D (quickly grabbing Fisher’s pinky finger): Calculations have determined that this finger is unnecessary. Skiing can be accomplished without it. Bone-crushing force will be applied, if you do not submit to change.
F (laughing with an “ow” face): Daddy!
D: I am not your father. The outcome is certain. After our time together this morning, you will be changed.
A little twist here, a little pressure there, some more giggling, weak struggles, and the kids are in their ski clothes. Daddy took no pleasure in any small amount of pain that the Change Machine applied to those cute-past-annoying brats. Change was simply certain.