There has been a lot of buzz lately about the “CTFD theory” of parenting, a method of raising your kids that says, “Calm the f*&k down” to every parental hangnail. It’s nice to have letters associated with the function that women, who have never had kids, around the twins have been playing in their parenting.
D: I’m worried about Fisher.
Auntie Ann-nuh: About what?
D: Well, he [whatever]. And, I hope he [whatevers].
Auntie Ann-nuh (staring): Right, I mean, you should be so lucky. That kid’s got it made. He has two parents that love him, and…[CTFD].
D: I worry sometimes about Cory.
Auntie Jen: Why, what’s up?
D: Sometimes she [whatevers], and she really shouldn’t because if she keeps at it, she’s going to grow up to [whatever].
Auntie Jen (scoffing): She’s fine. When I was growing up, do you know that I…and she…and then he…and it…so you should definitely [CTFD].
Even though both would be a constant wreck if either had a kid, it would be so wrong not to appreciate the wisdom, wholly unfettered by experience, that they dole out about raising mine.